guest post: the top 11 dumbest facebook status messages ever (or until someone writes something dumber)

Kelley Lynn is a comedian living and teaching comedy in NY and regularly tears her hair out at how stupid people are.  And yes, she means, YOU.  

So we all love Facebook. It is a nice little distraction from day to day life; or a great place to hang out while you are at a boring office or temp job, etc. Mostly; its a wonderful way to reconnect with people you honestly didn't think you'd have a chance in hell of ever hearing from again; and that is pretty neat. But for the Love of God, people, can we stop with all the stupid facebook status updates? Please? Im guessing the answer to this question would be no; simply because there will always be morons in the world and morons write stupid messages. So as long as morons exist; I shall continue to mock them endlessly. It's just what I do. And those of you who know me or have read my Wedding Planner Blog know that I do not do Top 10 Lists. I do Top 11 Lists. This is my way of honoring the great Nigel from the classic movie "This Is Spinal Tap." So I now present to you my list of THE TOP 11 DUMBEST FACEBOOK STATUS MESSAGES. As always - "these go to eleven."

(Note inside of note: In these status examples, I shall use names of random or pointless celebrities as Facebook screennames as to show that this list is not targeted at any individual person but rather to everyone on earth. )

11. EVE PLUMB is. 

Huh? Is what? Eve Plumb is what? What does this mean? Its stupid and it infuriates me. Does it mean you have nothing to say? So dont say anything. Dont write a status message at all. Why just put the word IS after your name? Is this supposed to be deep to make us all wonder what the IS is that you are referring to? Seriously, just shut up. 

10. ERIK ESTRADA is LAS VEGAS!!!! 

Really? Are ya? You ARE Las Vegas? Because I thought that maybe you were going to Las Vegas; but silly me; apparently you ARE indeed Las Vegas. And if thats the case, well then, you should perhaps be in the Guiness Book of World Records or something like that. But if youre just GOING to Las Vegas, how about just typing that youre going to Las Vegas? Why is it suddenly cool to leave out key words of sentences all over the place? Is this whats hip with the kids today? Because it really makes you sound like a moron. Equally annoying as calling yourself a place are the following: 

ERIK ESTRADA is BASKETBALL. ERIK ESTRADA is SLUMDOG MILLIONARE. ERIK ESTRADA is CAKE.

Once again - you are NOT a basketball. You are a person who is perhaps going to play some basketball. You are also not a movie or a tv show or an action verb (ERIK ESTRADA IS SLEEP.) You are not a piece of cake. Knock it off and use complete freakin sentences!!! 

9. SALLY STRUTHERS is LOST. 

Also in this category: SALLY STRUTHERS is getting LOST. SALLY STRUTHERS is lost in LOST. 

Okay. So I know this one is similar to number 10 with calling yourself a TV Show - BUT Im giving it its very own category becauase A. it annoys me that much and B. soooo many people put this as their status message every single freakin week. Seriously. We get it. You like the show LOST. You watch it weekly and you get "lost" in its complex twists and turns. You enjoy the show to the very depths of your soul. Fine. Good for you. But please, enough with the "oh Im so witty because Im using the title of the show and giving it two different meanings LOOK AT ME!" status messages. Its just pompous and really I dont care that you are all watching Lost. Go watch it , leave me alone already. Im watching HOUSE. In my house. Get it? HAHA!!! Im in my HOUSE watching HOUSE. See how I used the title there ??? See how annoying and lame that is? Yeah. Lets just stop. 

8. CAPTAIN KANGAROO is sooooo OVER IT! 

Wow. Like - oh my God, are you really? I suppose Im supposed to give a crap what it is you are OVER,right? Guess what? I don't. Don't care. Could care less. But that shouldnt bother you since you are sooooo over it and sooo over and above everything and everyone. You are probably sooo over Facebook too right? You are probably one of those people who is all of 17 and thinks they know everything while texting their pointless status msg into their Blackberry during a class which they are soooo over and then driving home in the car daddy bought them which is sooo yesterday and has a cd player in it that they are soooo over. OMG how do you live just knowing you are sooo above the rest of us? I dont know how you do it. 

7. BIGGIE SMALLS is going on Twitter,then updating facebook status, filling out a survey on MySpace, adding names to my address book in blackberry, just downloaded a song on itunes, posted a new picture of me again, and just wrote a new Blog which you should check out at imaloseranddesperatelyneedattentionfromtotalstrangers.blogspot.com .

Yeah. How annoying are these people? They have to constantly be IN THE KNOW with all the latest doo-dads and gadgets; and then feel the need to share every boring detail of it with us. They are the same ones who, when you see them in person, cant give you the time of day because they are too attached to all of their various modes of technology. And then they wonder why you stop calling to hang out. Do these people have jobs? Life responsibilities? How do they sit around all day long updating everything that they think is so important? And heres a newsflash. There are millions of blogs out there in cyberspace. Chances are, yours isnt one of the most brilliant. Maybe you can spend your entire day writing a blog, but I cant spend mine reading all 10,000 of them that I get by request per status msg. I have to pick and choose. So it better be good or dont waste my time pal! 

6. KATHIE LEE GIFFORD cannot deal with this right now!. (OR) KATHIE LEE GIFFORD was stupid to think that someone like you could ever be trusted. (OR) KATHIE LEE GIFFORD feels like she was just slapped in the face with irony. 

These all fall under the category of crypticly vague and overdramatic status messages. I cannot stand these! See - heres whats supposed to happen here. We are supposed to read the vague dramatic message, and then follow up with comments inquiring as to A. are you okay?? and B. what did you mean by what you said in that message? This is another attention seeker who has to put up the vaguest thing possible so people will ask Hey, whats this all about? Someone actually wrote the one about being slapped in the face with irony awhile back. I dont even remember who it was. I just remember wanting to slap them in the face with a brick. But I digress. 

5. BOB BARKER is the 740,000th person to plant a Bush in the bush garden and therefore Save the Rainforest and solve lifes problems all by posting a meaningless status message! You can do this too by clicking here and making a difference!

I dont know. Maybe this one shouldn't annoy me. It's more humorous than anything I guess. Just the idea that people really feel they are actually DOING something simply by clicking on a link or posting a picture of an IMAGINARY tree or animal or a red heart for Heart Awareness, etc etc etc. It makes me giggle. Its just a picture of a red heart. Nothing has happened because I posted it. Its not helping anything. You're just publically letting people know that you are a person who cares about causes, thats all. Which is a nice thing. But why not go out and DO something to support the cause instead of spending hours putting pictures of freakin smiley faces and hearts and injured animals and plants all over your page? There ya go. It's simple. Leave your computer, and walk away.... Good. Good for you.

4. MR. T is sleeping. (Or) Mr. T is zzzzzzzzzzzz. 

Not sure why this irritates me, it just does. Probably because I see it SO often on here, and because its so utterly pointless. First of all, youre NOT sleeping. You are typing. You can't do both. You're awake. And secondly, who the hell cares that youre sleeping? Its just a weird thing to write. 

3. MICHAEL PHELPS is YEEAAAAAAHHHH!!!! Holy Shyte! OMG ROTFLMAO You is crazzzyyy bro!!! LOL.

Ummm... WHAT???

2. ANDY GIBB really wants to die. (OR) ANDY GIBB is contemplating the meaning of life. (OR) ANDY GIBB just saw a rainbow in his childrens eyes. 

Gag inducing. Its Facebook people, not Hallmark. You aren't Robert Frost; so enough with all the "Deep Thoughts" on your status messages. Seriously. Status messages should be fun and lighthearted little snippets. Thats what makes them so great ! Little one liners or quotes or just fun things. Its fine to say something semi-serious but this is just too much. Sometimes after reading some of the status messages on here, I'm thinking JEEBUS! I WAS in a good mood, now I just want to off myself! How depressing! 

1. IKE TURNER just took a Shower. IKE TURNER is eating lunch. IKE TURNER just beat his wife again. IKE TURNER is driving. IKE TURNER says goodnight Im going to bed now. IKE TURNER says good morning Facebook, Im up now to start my day. IKE TURNER is at the mall. IKE TURNER enjoyed his chicken sandwich. IKE TURNER drinking pepsi. IKE TURNER had a bowel movement. IKE TURNER itched his elbow. IKE TURNER is on the F Train in the third car down, going to Brooklyn. IKE TURNER burned the meatloaf. IKE TURNER is watching American Idol, then Bones, then brushing my teeth, then going to read a book. IKE TURNER farted. IKE TURNER ran out of ink on my pen. IKE TURNER washed the dishes. IKE TURNERs nose is bleeding. IKE TURNER had his coffee. IKE TURNER got $256 back in tax refund and my social security number is xxxxxx. IKE TURNER will now post his pin number. IKE TURNER is walking east on broadway and 23rd street,come find me! IKE TURNER just came home and left the door unlocked. IKE TURNER has clammy hands. IKE TURNER pooped his pants.

Oh My Freakin God. I think you get the idea. This is the NUMBER ONE most annoying type of Status Message. Toooo much information!!! The Facebook ADDICT who updates their Status EVERY TWENTY MINUTES and tells us all every single solitary thing they are doing, where they are going to be, why, with whom, and how. What the hell? Okay people. Kindly repeat after me. YOU ARE NOT THAT IMPORTANT. Nobody cares about every little tiny detail of your stupid life. It's boring! We dont want to know. Seriously, are you this much of a pain in the ass face to face too? Do you walk in the door and start hugging your wife and saying "I'm home now. I'm walking to you now. I will now hug you. I kissed you. Update - we kissed. " Get over yourselves people. And also - you ever think that maybe its not the best idea to post THAT much detail on a public forum about where youre going to be and when? If anyone wanted to stalk you, thank you - you just told them EXACTLY where you are going to be and at precisely what time since you post updates so gorrramn much! I bet that by the time Im done typing this , those same people will have posted at LEAST 4 more updates. Its okay to just live your life. Really. You dont HAVE to post every minute of it online. Its honestly going to be okay. Everyone just relax.

Do you have your own annoying status updates?  What are they? 

Comments

[nunya]

I like how you bitch about people, who you have added to your facebook, posting stupid messages, and yet, #8 befuddles me.

"I suppose Im supposed to give a crap what it is you are OVER,right? Guess what? I don't. Don't care. Could care less."

What "Could care less."? The trees? Snow? Some random person walking down the street? Let's assume you have a subject in mind and it is in fact, you. Even with an actual sentence being formed, "I could care less", I seriously doubt that is what you meant. Because that statement infers that you care enough for there to be room to care even less than you do right now. I.E. you are concerned with the status. The correct term is "I could not care less" or possibly, for the contractioners out there, "I couldn't care less". Maybe, instead of bitching about things you have brought upon yourself... you should pick up a book and learn syntax, yes?

[pickles]

i think nunya has the right idea.

[generic levitra]

Because that statement infers that you care enough for there to be room to care even less than you do right now. I.E. you are concerned with the status.?

[NFL Jerseys]

What "Could care less."? The trees? Snow? Some random person walking down the street? Let's assume you have a subject in mind and it is in fact, you. Even with an actual sentence being formed, "I could care less", I seriously doubt that is what you meant. Because that statement infers that you care enough for there to be room to care even less than you do right now. I.E. you are concerned with the status. The correct term is "I could not care less" or possibly, for the contractioners out there, "I couldn't care less". Maybe, instead of bitching about things you have brought upon yourself... you should pick up a book and learn syntax, yes?

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